Rant! Let Jordan Sing!
There’s always a drunk girl at every concert hollering for her old favorites. You go see Madonna, and she’s shrieking ‘Papa Don’t Preach!’ (And you want to preach a few things to her, but instead you give her the hairy eyeball). Same thing with Prince. Poor man thinks he’s come up with some new shit, and she’s screeching, ‘Pur-pul Raaaaaaain!!!! Pur-pul Raaaaaaain!!!!’ Not to mention the guy who’s clearly been partying since 1999. But I say, let Prince sing. Let him sing his new stuff. Try it. I don’t care if ‘When Doves Cry’ reminds you of the first time you got lucky, let it rest! maybe you can get lucky again?
To the fans…
I’m talking to all you clowns reliving your lives through retro Jordans. Let the man sing. Guess what? He’s got new shit too. Don’t be the drunk floozy at the Michael Jordan concert hollering about the retro 4s, the new 11 colorway, all that mess. Get over it! I know 14s remind you of balling in high school. I know the 5s were the ones your mom wouldn’t buy for you. I’m saying, let it go. Turn to your buddy, relive the moment, and let’s move on. What about the 23s?
You might like his new songs if you pay attention. Remember the old days, when you could only get truly new Jordans once a year? When you skipped school to wait in line, or if you were really on the ball, you got them in time to go to school late and break necks?
(I know some of you are too young to remember this, but you’ve heard stories). Well, instead of buying those Jordans ten times
over (Do I hear ‘Pur-pul Raaaaaaaiiin!?), why don’t you relive the experience by actually waiting…. and then going out there to do whatever it takes to get those 23s. Be ten times as crazy as you were back then. Make a new memory. Admire the beauty, the new technology, the new ideas, not just so you can reminisce about them in ten years, not just cuz they’ll sell on eBay for a mint someday, but because… you… actually… like… them.
To the athlete formerly known as His Airness…
Alright, Michael, I know it’s hard now that you’re not on the court. We miss the competitive fire, the insane moves, the game-winners, the tongue-wagging confidence. I’m one of those fans who brags about having seen you drain that National Championship-winner against Georgetown. And yes, you’ve won a mind-boggling six NBA Championships, two Olympic gold medals and ten scoring titles.
But right now, with no championships ahead of you, I think we have to think differently. What did Madonna do when she had to shake things up? Total fashion reincarnation. And what about the whole ‘Artist Formerly Known as Prince’ thing? Maybe that was a little extreme, but icons know how to re-imagine themselves! Your forays into motorcycles aren’t taking us along for the ride. No one’s hanging on what suit you’ll be wearing at your next venue, if you know what I mean. We need some drama from the lead singer! Someone must be telling you otherwise, since your image is as bland as your ladies’ line. We need the real Michael. Yeah, we have your DNA, but you’re not dead yet! We need you to breathe some life into those kicks, man.
To Jordan Brand…
Maybe you can help us out here, too. There’s a reason Prince didn’t do Purple Rain, then Red and Varsity Blue Rain, then White and Maize Gold Rain. You’re killing it! I don’t care if knuckleheads buy every color. Can you be bigger than profit? And if you run out of songs, let’s not sing a medley like that awful Spizike. You gotta pull up your game! Jordan 15 booties? The 22 as a remake of the 21? These are not gonna make us sway in the aisles and fire up our lighters!
There’s a reason Prince doesn’t tour through town every month. No amount of colorways (or outfits) can be that exciting. So JB, let’s make the fiends hungry again! How about no more retros before the big release? And please, answer our prayers that you poured your hearts and souls into this big 2-3. Prince’s recent ‘3121’ was his first album ever to debut at #1. There’s hope! Every single Jordanhead imagines this will be the one. The magic number 23. Don’t let us down. Let’s make this one special. Let’s party like it’s 2008! Dammit.
Jordanheads, if you can’t get down with this, I understand. It’s not for everyone. Just go home, keep drooling on your patent 11s, and let the rest of us enjoy the concert!
This article appeared in Issue 11 of Sneaker Freaker. Buy it