Remember skipping class to smoke jays, sip cream soda, and YouTube 'Zeitgeist' until we fried our brains and threw our 3310s in the toilet?
Did Nike really sponsor intergalactic travel? Is Tupac Shakur alive? Did Bill Clinton sign a pact with the devil?
These are the weirdest sneaker conspiracies of all time.
Tupac is Alive (and His Nikes Prove It...)
Is Tupac living in Cuba? Taking selfies in South Africa? Working undercover with the FBI? It’s been nearly 23 years since Tupac’s death but the schizophrenic logic of the Internet continues to churn out wild conspiracy theories.
One of the more bizarre ideas involves his sneakers.
In the music clip ‘To Live and Die in L.A.’ (Death Row, 1996), Tupac wore a pair of Nike Air Jordans that weren’t officially released until two months after his death. Similarly, in the video for ‘Toss It Up’ (Death Row, 1996), Shakur is seen wearing a pair of unreleased Penny Hardaway sneakers.
Do celebs occasionally cop unreleased sneakers? Sure. But, for now, we’ll suspend all logic and imagine he’s lacing Jay 34s with his aunt, Assata.
Did the Swoosh Sponsor Extraterrestrial Travel?
In 1994, 39 members of the Heaven’s Gate cult in San Diego committed mass suicide. Planet earth was due to be ‘recycled’, and the only way to ensure survival was a kind of interstellar transit. Once committing suicide, your soul would be transported to a spaceship tailing Comet Hale-Bopp. From there, you’d be beamed to a ‘higher existence above human’.,
The strangest part about this incorporeal space transit was the fact that all 39 members of Heaven’s Gate wore the same sneakers, the Nike Decade, a rather anachronistic design from Nike’s 90s arsenal.
But why the Nike Decade? Was the Swoosh somehow sponsoring their spacecraft?
Sadly, it was a little more earthy (and economic) than this.
Two members of Heaven’s Gate (who remained on planet earth to serve as the ‘communication center’ for the group) later told Sole Supplier that the Nike Decade was purchased because the Heaven's Gate were ‘able to get a good deal on them’.
Fourteen years later, sneaker designer Todd Jordan referenced the black uniform and purple sheets the Heaven’s Gate cult covered themselves with during the mass suicide.
But the Nike SB Dunk High was quickly pulled once Nike realised what Jordan was referencing, and the colourway remained in sample form only.
Kyrie Irving is a Member of the Illuminati
To be honest, this may be one of the more believable conspiracy theories.
The NBA’s resident flat-earther and agent provocateur plays basketball with such disturbing grace and transcendental awareness that it can inspire radical reasoning.
In fact, it’s almost comforting.
The Nike Kyrie 4 and Kyrie 5 both feature the Eye of Providence (the ‘all-seeing eye’), a symbol typically invoking the omnipotence of God’s eye. But the symbol is also tied to the Illuminati, a secret society of power brokers that have been tied to several conspiracy theories since their real-life inception back in the 18th century.
Explaining the process behind the Nike Kyrie 4, designer Benjamin Nethongkome said that the sneaker was ‘not to represent the illuminati [but to] challenge everyone to think beyond what they see’.
But how does this translate in the mind of Kyrie Irving?
Responding to questions regarding the curvature of the earth, Kyrie said he hadn’t really seen pictures of the earth before.
‘This is not even a conspiracy theory … the truth is right there. You just got to go searching for it.’
I guess it’s hard to calculate the curvature of the earth when you ain’t from it...
The Devil Wears New Balance
The degenerate creatures of Hell continue to procreate across the political sphere in 2019. Would it really surprise anyone to find concrete evidence of the devil’s work in the White House?
In 1992, a few months before Bill Clinton was elected president of the United States, New Balance manufactured a ‘666’ model signed by both Bill and Hillary Rodham Clinton.
What does this mean?
Well, the Clintons are demonic, Trump is the antichrist, New Balance are in on it, Russia’s involved somehow, Pharrell Williams is Benjamin Buttoning, Kanye West is a vessel for interstellar infiltration, the Matrix is real, Finland doesn’t exist, and John Travolta is gay...