The Most Disturbing Sneakers of 2019 (So Far)
From Air Max steam irons to Comme des Garçons Foot Tents, there’s been no shortage of baffling sneakers this year. Kanye West discovered a leviathan drip, Virgil Abloh strayed from Nike’s bosom, Prada put Tony Soprano in a room with Demna Gvasalia, and the Triple S 2.0 scored a straight zero.
These are the designs that continue to permeate our dreams.
Off-White Arrow Running Sneaker
What happens when Virgil Abloh drifts from the Swoosh? Well, now we know the answer: the Off-White Arrow Running Sneaker – a bizarre amalgamation of 80s athletics that’ll have you heading straight for the nearest exit. Coming in an anxiety-inducing IKEA colourway, the Off-White Arrow is built with a foam midsole and serrated rubber outsole – perfect for reminiscing over sloppy breakups somewhere near the rug section.
Comme des Garçons Nike Presto Foot Tent
The modern remake that no one asked for, Comme des Garçons pitched a tent on one of Tinker Hatfield’s biggest flops. Originally unveiled in 2002, the Nike Presto Foot Tent was all kinds of nasty, even incorporating tiny fibreglass poles that allowed the tent to ‘float’ above your foot by a few millimetres.
Recently calling the design one of his ‘worst projects of all time’, Tinker Hatfield echoed our collective sentiments when asked whether Nike should bring back the Foot Tent. He simply said, ‘Please don’t’.,
Kanye West Scuba Sneaker
Is the Scuba Sneaker an aesthetic panacea to the spiritual crisis ransacking the free world? The next logical step for the Yeezy brand? The compulsory techwear preempting earth’s climate emergencies? Let’s hope not – the Scuba Sneaker would still have trouble finding the drip even if half the polar ice caps took a dive into the ocean.
Prada Leather Bounce
Ever needed to take it outside at a funeral? The Prada Leather Bounce is the perfect four-figure drip with just enough air in the sole to give your uppercut a little extra lift. Taking aesthetic cues from Dr. Martens and Balenciaga, the Bounce is Tony Soprano meets Demna Gvasalia, a combination that gives you enough artistic license to say whatever-you-goddamn-want in the eulogy.
SHOES 53045 Bump'Air
The architect behind one of the most successful upmarket sneakers of all time, David Tourniaire-Beauciel was hoping to hit some of the meteoric heights of Balenciaga’s Triple S with the Bump’Air.
Unfortunately, the result was a little more sobering.
Built with synthetic leather, TPU, and mesh, the Bump’Air was intended to ‘feel like slippers on a platform, walking on floaty boats, or dancing on the moon’. The only real way to feel like you’re dancing on the moon in these? Literally take a bump.
Nike Air Max FF720
A frightening paradox of the sneakersphere, the Nike Air Max FF720 casts a shadow long enough to wipe out the summer months entirely. Provoking the kind of ankle-breaking missteps that forever scorch the collective conscious, the FF720 features a closed-toe sandal design, an elastic strap reminiscent of the Huarache, and an Air Force 1–style outsole.
Looking like a damn iron, the FF720 somehow makes the Air Max 720 seem conservative, with perhaps its only redeemable quality coming in the sudden but irresistible urge to go tidy up your room.