Taking an L can be a confusing, violent, heartbreaking experience. Sneaker Freaker is here to guide you through the seven stages of grief and help you move on to bigger, better Ws.
1. Shock and Denial: Taking the L
What? But you spent the entire week re-adjusting your moral compass to keep your karma in check. You've been smiling so much you developed vertigo. You threw dimes at your aunt’s GoFundMe and gifted some old Cortez to your bro. You even cross-checked your zodiac. Everything was in order. Surely there’s been a mistake...
Forget karma: it’s a bitch ‘cause it don’t exist.
2. Pain and Guilt: Witnessing the W
‘As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain.’
You enter a period of mourning, drawing the blinds and thumbing down the eternal Instagram feed. Like checking on an ex, you wonder how they’re doing on someone else’s foot. You try and remind yourself they were never yours to begin with, but you’ve already forged a lifetime of memories together. You’ve laced them, held them, smelled them. You’ve spent long nights out on the town together, apologising as you misstep and hit a shallow puddle.
You know what to do.
It’s only going to prolong the pain.
3. Anger and Bargaining: The Resale
The pain becomes anger. You blame yourself. Your friends. Your cat. Then your blame becomes broader, more confused. You blame the internet and other intangibles. You swear there’s a grand, cosmic conspiracy against the W. Why me? Did I screw up in a past life? Did I create climate change? Convince Judas to make a play on JC? Was I somehow the impetus behind the Sprewell Spinner?
You spend long nights wandering the dark recesses of the internet, looking for that resale. You open yet another tab and sweat over your finances. Can I afford it? What kind of condition are they in? Will they fit? You feel dirty. You close the tab… then you open it again.
Take a shower. Don’t burn a hole in your wallet.
Take. The. L.
4. Depression, Loneliness, Reflection: Where is my Sole?
Everyone’s telling you to move on, but you’re not quite done. You’re hitting peak cynicism and you’re starting to enjoy it. Lean in, embrace it. Stomp loudly. Yell at a bin, burn some Grails, headbutt a wall if you need to. Get loaded and pen a letter to the government outlining your theories on 9/11.
Do whatever it takes to get through this period. Burn all the bridges you need to.
5.The Upwards Turn: The New Flame
Something shiny catches your eye. It’s pretty. A rough diamond. You head into the gallery and suss more angles. You turn your head sideways and imagine pulling on the tongue, unlacing the silhouette. You feel yourself sliding your sock inside its soft, loving, mixed material build. You ease your heartbreak with a new flame. You drop the cash. It’s cheap, common, and exactly what you needed.
It ain’t love but it sure feels good.
6.Reconstruction: I Never Really Loved you Anyway
You start feeling like your old self. You’ve stopped resenting people that copped the sneakers you missed. Their stocks have dropped online, plus the pair you glimpsed IRL don’t look so flash anyway.
7. Acceptance and Hope: Taking That Big Fat W
It’s time. You forget any sense of pseudo karmic retribution and ignore the texts urging you to apologise for what you did last weekend. You adopt the philosophies of Albert Camus: The universe is absurd and indifferent.
It gives you a radiant sense of stoicism. Your eyes take on a despondent, enlightened glaze. No matter what happens, everything is going to be okay. Forever. You’ve stumbled on a sense of refined and all-knowing detachment that makes the Dalai Lama look debauched. Your sporting a knowing smile like you’ve got a dirty little secret. You’ve figured it out: it’s going to be OK, you can get through taking an L.
It’s finally time. Check your inbox.
Desperate, you once again wander the sordid resale side streets, only this time you make a grubby deal. You’re not entirely sure what you’re getting, but you make it through late night texts and a guilty conscience.
Then you check your feed.
Repeat steps 1 through to 7.