7 Sneaker Trends We Need To Bury in 2019
Should sneakers have an expiry date? A 'best worn before' stamped on the tongue? We provided the eulogies for some of the most flogged horses in the sneakerverse; so bow your head and say a little prayer — these are the seven sneaker trends we need to bury in 2019.
1. THE TEN
How many times can you count to 10 on your fingers?
Virgil Abloh defied the immalleable physical structures of the human body and counted to a trillion in 2018, his Off-White label dropping release after release, lubricating an insane production line of zip ties and quotation marks. The 38-year-old designer recently alluded to the conclusion of ‘The Ten’. Let’s hope it’s true, or we’ll be using all those zip-ties to construct a torture scene torn straight from George Orwell’s 1984: How many fingers are we holding up, Mr Abloh?
2. THE AIR JORDAN 1
Yes, the Jordan 1 is arguably the dopest design in MJ’s storied arsenal, but the legendary silhouette was utterly rinsed in 2018. Nigel Sylvester put a little oil on the uppers, Virgil continued to deconstruct, Union LA severed the neck, Nike weighed in with the ‘Not For Resale’, and Travis Scott is now planning to flip the Swoosh in April.
The perpetual cultural relevance of the AJ1 provides collaborators with guaranteed returns on whatever marginal alteration they make to the silhouette. But ultimately, it’s a child-lock on, faint-hearted asterix on a design that would pop regardless of who signs up for the colab.
There are 32 other designs in the Jordan catalogue; close your eyes and pick one.
3. THE TRIPLE S
We’d assumed the Triple S had hit its cultural zenith when someone decided to fashion a bong from the $1200 sneaker. Alas, Balenciaga continue to rollout anxiety-inducing ‘half half’ designs and kitsch full-length air units from their flash new factories in China. Price tags don’t buy swag, I don’t care how many Balenciagas you just blazed.
4. MANIPULATING THE SWOOSH
Travis Scott reversed it, Post Malone lowered it, and A-COLD-WALL* removed it. We get it, it’s deconstructionist and irreverent and iconoclastic; it’s also overplayed.
5. THE ALIEN ABDUCTION INSTAGRAM PICS
My uncle told stories about being abducted by aliens; somewhere by the Playa De Barceloneta. He got sucked up for some kind of interstellar orgy with a guy named Carlos from Minnesota. He doesn’t speak anymore. Neither does Carlos. Maybe he’s a vessel for an extraterrestrial spy network. Or maybe he’s just fried. Regardless, unless you’ve got some galaxy-hoping hiking sneakers to show off, then it’s time to stop tempting fate. Get your head out of the stars, and your soles back on the ground. We can always arrange an anal probe for you right here on planet earth.
6. THE CHAIN
A friend of mine is constantly playing with his necklace in an attempt to divert your eyes from his face to his chest. It’s a little bizarre, and a lot sad, but it still makes more sense than high-fashion’s infatuation with chains. Why? To draw attention to the price tag?
7. THE HEEL SOCKS X HAIRY LEGS COMBO
#Influencers, can you please stop reminding us of our primordial links? Our inextricable genetic link to the apes is constantly being reinforced by shots of bare ankles with small coils of hair peppered across the shin, calf and ankle. Wearing sneakers is a religious undertaking, forcing a wedge between us and our Darwinian underpinnings; they allow us to tread the globe in an Air Unit that separates us from the rugged contours of the earth. Now, stop reminding us we’re all goddamn animals. And if you’re doing it in barefoot and translucent uppers; consider your citizenship to the planet revoked.