Look, we’re not too far off a modern-day dystopia. We’ve got Dennis Rodman mediating international affairs, the Azzurri failing to make the World Cup, ‘Ye wearing MAGA caps, and little pricks eating laundry detergent. So, while we wait for that Doomsday Clock to officially strike midnight, let’s tag each other in memes, have the kind of sex VICE want us to, and most importantly, work out what kicks we’re going to wear for the apocalypse.
2019: Do Androids Dream of adidas Originals?
We have less than a year until the Tyrell Corporation assumes omniscient power and rogue replicants from off-world colonies terrorise Earth. If you’re going to hunt replicants and receive a mad bounty, you’ll need some reliable kicks. According to Ridley Scott's Blade Runner, they'll be adidas. Rick Deckard is spotted wearing modified Stan Smiths made from military boot leather and built for high polish. Basketball referees originally wore these designs back in the 1980s. Keen to survive until Blade Runner 2049? Then you’re probably going to need something along the lines of the Bates E07006. Yeah, you’re going to need a lot of shoeshine for Dick’s dystopia.
2029: Nike Vandal > Human Race
Within the first few minutes of Terminator, Kyle Reese is rummaging through a department store, naked, hunting for some clean black Nike Vandals. Yes, the cops are on his ass, and yeah, an evil, flexed Arnie Schwarz is at some point going to track him down (also naked). But for now, it’s time to cop the Air Jordan 1s beautiful little bro. There’s no Air in the sole of the Vandal, but just see if you can last long enough until Arnie turns good in Judgement Day.
2035: The Three Laws of One Star
Yes, Sonny killed Alfred Lanning, but only because he disobeyed the three laws of robotics: 'Don’t touch my f***ing Chucks.' In 2035, the Converse brand continues to thrust itself into the mainstream consciousness, admired by rogue detectives and iPod-looking robots alike. Product placement is also on point in the future. The One Star is laced throughout i-Robot's 115 minutes. In fact, it's the only thing I remember.
2060: One Boot on the Highways of Valhalla
Immortan Joe and his War Boys, Furiosa and her War Rig, Max and his perpetual nightmares — safe to say, Fury Road’s post-apocalyptic desert wasteland is dark as f***. You're going to need some heavy-duty boots while you’re on the hunt for that sweet, sweet Aqua Cola. The Alpinestars Roam 2 Air Boots should suffice. The build is remarkably similar to Furiosa’s boots, which feature long Velcro tabs along the sides, quilting on the insteps, diamond-shaped heels and a Velcro flap (possibly for a zipper). Now you just need that 78-foot, 18-wheel War Rig.
2157: Reebok Immortalises Sigourney Weaver’s Alien Stomper
Pulling influence from Sigourney Weaver’s battle with the Xenomorph Queen in Aliens, Reebok actually decided to give us a taste of the future with the Alien Stomper. The ‘Final Battle’ pack was released in 2017 for $325. The pack consisted of two models — ‘The Queen’, inspired by the Xenomorph’s skeleton, and the ‘Powerloader’, taking its cues from the robotic cargo suit.
Pick your poison and I'll see ya'll somewhere in space.
Who knows, maybe it'll be a utopia.