Unless you've been marooned on Endor with the Ewoks for the last year, you'd know that the eigth instalment of the immortal Star Wars film series has just hit screens throughout the galaxy. (okay, maybe just on Earth!) Since Disney laid down plenty fetti to get the rights to the franchise, we've seen enough new Star Wars products to sink the Death Star, and the footwear category hasn't been neglected, either.
For many Star Wars lovers, it's a case of the more merch the merrier, because it's been a long time between blue milk drinks, but it still seems that Disney doles out the licensing contracts liberally as long as the paper's right. Just about every brand that wants a piece can get it, but you can't dress a Wookie up as an Alderaan princess and expect us not to notice – whacking a Star Wars motif on a crappy design don't change nuffin', folks. We cut through the clutter here and take a look at some of the best and worst Star Wars-licensed sneakers.
BEST: adidas Superstar x Star Wars
The Three Stripes have been the most consistent SW collaborators in quantity and quality.
WORST: Payless x Star Wars 'Storm Trooper'
Damn son, where'd you find this? Take it back there and demand your moolah back, I don't care how cheap it was.
WORST: adidas x Star Wars 'Stormtrooper'
The Storm Trooper is a common muse for sneakers, but something seems to go a bit awry when it comes to the actual execution.
BEST: adidas x Star Wars Tubular 'Storm Trooper'
The force is strong in the Three Stripes, though – turns out there is something decent you can do with the Galactic Empire's finest cannon fodder. Taking a subtle approach that would almost be acceptable dress outside of a sci-fi convention, almost, this Tubular is a piece of abstract shoe art.
BEST: Stride Right x Star Wars 'Darth Vader'
Obviously if these weren't for the jedi padawans we'd throw them straight in a fire pit, but they look kinda cute here, and the mask might even protect the lil one's midfoot. Lacing looks either too easy or a little complicated, though.
BEST: adidas 'Yoda Superstar'
How this reps Yoda, know I do not. That toy-style plastic packaging tho – dope. Word is this one actually wasn't officially licensed, but Lucasfilm kicked up a stink like Jar Jar Binks, so adi had to put up the galactic credits the next time they wanted to channel the Star Wars aesthetic. The continuing partnership suggests the Three Stripes think it's money well spent.
WORST: Irregular Choice x Star Wars 'Wack Saber Wedge'
Does the saber extend in times of conflict? Could these be incredible wedge stilts? You won't win if it's a fashion battle, though. Yes, we know it's not a sneaker.
BEST: Stance Socks x Star Wars 'Droids'
Swag on a trillion. Pull 'em up high football style.
WORST: Irregular Choice x Star Wars 'Vader and Stormtrooper Menagé'
WORST: Stride Rite x Star Wars 'Light-up Light Saber'
Okay these things are kinda cool – those lateral light sabers light up! Still ugly AF tho.
BEST: adidas x Star Wars ZX Flux
Yeah, it kinda looks like someone tried to salvage some gimmick ceramic mugs that they dropped on the kitchen floor by whacking the broken faces on a heel, but we still fux with these Flux.
WORST: adidas x Star Wars Micropacer
In the words of the nasty cheerleaders from Wildcats, 'you ain't got no alibi ...'
BEST: Vans x Star Wars
Vans are veterans at using prints on their silhouettes, and they did not disappoint with their ode to Star Wars. The Stormtrooper bandana paisley print is straight hard!
WORST: Stride Rite x Star Wars 'Nasty ass shoes'
Don't put your kids through this, please. Don't project your wackness onto the next generation.
– Originally published December 16th, 2015