A few years ago, someone created Dante's Inferno: The Eight Circles of Mens Fashion Hell. While we really enjoyed that, we thought it would be rude to not create an equivalent for us sneakerheads.
So, without further ado, let's take you through Dante's Inferno: The Eight Circles of Sneaker Hell.
Here, we enter the inferno, the surface level, reserved for those who have committed light sins. Riddled with budget items, outlet sneakers, and people who don't care what they put on their feet, this is the entry level leading to a potential life of sneaker debauchery.
This is the real starting point. You've upgraded from wearing kicks that are cheap as chips to kicks that are slightly more expensive. Using mum's money, you hit your local shopping centre to cop something a few sizes too big so it'll last longer.
You've started playing a sport and, whatever it is, you quickly realise that you need to flex more than just your muscles on-court/field. You spend that extra few bucks on a pair that's loud and makes you feel like a pro.
The ball is rolling, going down the rabbit hole to the next phase of sneaker hell. All of a sudden, you really care about the shoes that you wear day-to-day. You don't really understand the sneaker world, but you still want to look fly, causing you to heavily lean towards what's trendy and popular.
It's starting to heat up, you're now referring to yourself as a 'sneaker enthusiast' to anyone who'll listen. Probably working at the local Foot Locker, you're obsessed with reverse lacing all the GR kicks you acquire with your staff discount.
This is where it gets dangerous, somehow you've stumbled upon sneaker collaborations and have fallen head over heels. Kith, atmos, Packer and Stash, you need them all. You start camping out. Getting that sweet W every week is the only thing that keeps you going.
Sneakers are now an addiction, at this point you're basically mainlining Ws. Being riddled with debt and having an affected social life has now become the norm while you spend your days glued to a screen on Buy/Sell/Trade Facebook groups.
Wanting to up your flex game, you lean towards designer colabs as they become more common place in your sneaker rotation. Coincidentally, 'Raf' by A$AP Rocky becomes the cornerstone of your music rotation.
This all seemed to progress more quickly than you can say 'sneakerhead'. At this stage you're filled with too much knowledge, and have latched onto a very niche section of the sneakersphere. Lack of storage, and complaining on online comment threads, is now a daily occurrence. Despite the negativity and hate, you've built some solid relationships in the sneaker world, and might even be receiving some kicks for free.
Congratulations, you have reached the bottom, the final form. At this point you only wear one very specific shoe from the early 2000s despite owning 1000s of different pairs.