Some of the sneakers from the ‘big pants, small wheels’ era deserved their own damn postcodes. Despite being truly off the rails, a lot of the skate shoes of the '90s shaped the four-digit marketplace 20 years later when luxury labels dropped in. From cooked Kostons to whack Lil Waynes, these five fried designs busted ankles and grazed knees for a good decade.
5 of the Nastiest Skate Shoes of All Time
Date: March 13 2019
By: Gabe Filippa
5. Lil Wayne Supra Chimera
Just how high did Lil Wayne and Supra manage to get when they cooked this thing up? The nauseating linkup from 2013 featured instant classics like ‘Cheetah’, ‘Acid Yellow’ and ‘Giraffe’, and guaranteed all the amusing perks of altitude sickness from the comfort of your very own home. Yep, this one makes about as much sense as Lil Wayne’s first verse in ‘Dough Is What I Got’:
I have no brain, I'm retarded
We are not the same, I'm a Martian
The only way to lace this with confidence? Live in outer space or get a goddamn lobotomy.
4. Converse Chany Jeanguenin Pro-1
This beast could bust up any outfit (and the psychological coherence of any onlooker) with ease. The Leatherface of the skate world, these made as much sense as the hideous breeding that gave birth to the pug. The Converse Chany Jeanguenin Pro-1 looked like it wanted to be put out of its misery from day one — a sentiment echoed by Converse’s initial advertising campaign surrounding the sneaker:
All shoes die
The least we can do is make sure
They die a slow, lingering death.
Chany Jeanguenin should’ve put three bullets in this rough beast as soon as it slouched towards One Star to be born.
3. Eric Koston Es K5
Koston’s K5 ate concrete after a steady run of solid designs in the late 90s. This one was right off the rails, looking more like a streetball silhouette than a skate shoe. The thicc beast featured the kind of disconnected uppers that mirrored the heart when worn (dissociation is damn easy when even your sneakers have no visual congruity).
2. Axion Alta
The Axion Alta rolled up as a strange anachronism to the early 00s skate scene. Taking inspiration from the worst place possible (The Air Jordan XV), the Axion rode in goofy to the regular style of the era. With an Air unit begging to be popped, and a colourway that could only be described as ‘F-My-Life-Grey’, the Axion Alta was a huge falta that never should’ve seen the light of day.
1. Osiris D3 2001
The 2001 inception of the Osiris D3 wasn’t that far removed from the confusing, hallucinogenic qualities of Kubrick’s Space Odyssey; in fact, the Osiris D3 looks like the kind of interspecies fornication that spread abnormal cellular properties across the sneaker’s exoskeleton.
Mark my words, somebody, somewhere, was probed by extraterrestrial forces before this one hit the market...