PRESERVE YOUR SEXY: THE GUIDE

how to preserve your sexy: a guide.



for the third part in my epic trilogy of informational pieces i would like to regale you with a secret technique for maintaining your sexy. this amazing tip knows no sexual boundaries and therefore is mad unisex yo. so please sit back, relax, and listen to uncle nic...

now i don't claim to be no fashionista but if i know one thing i know this: under no circumstances whatsoever, with no exceptions, no ifs, no buts and no motherfucking whatevers will you ever, ever, EVER wear this shirt:



i am psychic, i know this because i know what you are thinking other people are thinking when they see you in this garment:

"omigod, like, look at that awesome rad cool dude in his, like, totally underground, quirky film reference tee! i must immediately go up to them and bond over how excellent that indie film is and like, how nobody gets it but us and we will have crazy hipster sex and be together forever and watch anime together and shit".

um. is that mushroom in your teeth? because you're tripping.



this is what they are actually thinking:

"to begin with, there is noway that i am ever having sexual relations with that person, or for that matter anyone that said person has ever had sexual relations with. what were they thinking leaving the safe walls of their house wearing a bonds ringer tee with shoddy screenprinting so unflattering that given the choice between having relations with you and overdosing on meth, i would simply call my "good friend" famir and ask for the "lindsey lohan special"."




yo, this might come as a surprise to you, but you know that dude coolio? yo, for real, b movie action star and top right celebrity square? well before all that, dude was a rapper. for real, amazing i know. anyways nukka had a song, too hot, remember it? where everyone had sex with everyone and got aids? well, if someone on set was wearing this shirt, that whole video would have never happened.



damn son, is there anything more passe right now than the suicide girls? you all prolly down with all the stories about how the whole operation was a exploitative rort that ripped all those poor little punk girls off? well let me pose a question to you: how do you make an undernourished, melanin deficient, attention seeker even more unattractive?

you make/facilitate her do the dance from that movie as a strip tease:



my other guides:

thats so lacoste!: a guide
a playahaters guide to lupe fiasco[

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